Why is it that everyone’s in a relationship and I’m just here? I hate to complain and sound desperate and shit like that but… I just hate seeing all these other people being happy in a relationship around me and I’m here wishing I had what they have.
this^^^
Things I want.
Pho.
Bubble tea.
Skittles.
A hug.
Icecream.
Spiderman movies.
Harry Potter marathon.
Playing Halo all day with zero fucks given.
A cuddle partner.
Pizza.
Someone to help clean my room.
Poutine.
Money for shopping.
No beep test tomorrow.
No lab practicals next week.
A burger.
A good salad.
^LOL AT THAT.
Sunset bike rides.
More food.
Food.
Physical affection.
But more importantly… Food.
I’ll probably mentally force myself to drag my ass to school tomorrow. I don’t like missing school.
This headache still kills.
My body still sore.
My mind in a mess.
And my heart aches.
I don’t want to go to athletic anymore. The thought of trying to have a good time to show my friends I’m okay sickens me. Not to mention that I hate loud house music, and I just don’t feel like getting a dress, doing my hair and looking decent. I don’t want next week to come at all. It’s a bittersweet feeling. I have a math test and lab practicals. I just want those things over with, but I dread them. Iswarya said after next week I just have to focus on exams and things will be better, yet I don’t see how anything can make things better. Which leads me to my next dilemma, I’m turning 15 and I’m unhappy. I just thought I’d be in a better place. I have wonderful friends and my marks don’t suck. Something is just bad. I know I could be doing much better in school, but that doesn’t really bother me. I miss having a best friend. One that can come over last minute and listen to me vent and cry. I don’t know, I just feel bad. I thought I’d be happier by now. I don’t want to go to athletic and see people I don’t want to see. Not that I don’t like them, I enjoy being around them… It’s just that I want to be alone for a while. No, that’s not true. I want to be with someone who understands me and willing to listen and cars. I don’t want to be alone. I turn 15 in a week. It’s such an odd number. I don’t want it to happen. I wanted more time.
Gonna get food, shower, and probably not catch up on the 2 days of homework.
I’ll do it all this weekend, not to mention start making study notes for exams.
I need to write something else though.
I’ve never been this frustrated in my life. I’ve been building the walls again. The same walls that left me so alone. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. I can’t stop it. Every time they break down, I become so fucking vulnerable. And every damn time I am that vulnerable my heart ends up shattered. It’s a torturous cycle. If I build them up, I’ll be alone with no one. If I let them fall, I become vulnerable. Either way, I will end up hurt. And it’s not like I can stop this… at least I don’t know how to. I won’t allow my thoughts to spill, or my heart to shatter. Not again. I want to shield my fragile mind and feelings. I’m afraid to be that hurt again.
I have a beep test tomorrow. And missed my math quiz today. I still feel sick and miserable.
Fuck my life.
I really hate everything.
Everything is so terrible. My head is throbbing in pain. I feel dizzy. I feel like throwing up my stomach. So much pain. So much fucking pain. Holy fuck.
